The WHOLE Story

*please note: things on this blog are normally on the light, and some what funny side. Today's post will most likely be neither of those things. Consider yourself warned. :-)

As I have posted the past few days, I have not been feeling too hot over this past week. Well...there is more to the story than what I have shared, and I think at this point I'm ready to share it all. Pull up a chair....this might get long.

So about 4 weeks ago, we took Frankie to get groomed. Well, I was very late getting my period, and just to rule it out, I decided to get a pregnancy test. I was for sure I was not pregnant, but I just wanted to rule it out. However, the test came back positive. I WAS PREGNANT! This was very shocking news to both Donnie and I! I cried. I'm not sure if they were happy tears. At this time we told VERY few people. We wanted to wait a bit to let everyone know.

Over the next few weeks Donnie and I got pumped about having a baby. I checked out pregnancy books from the library and started my prenatal vitamins. Donnie and I would browse the baby department of stores, and we even had a named picked out. I even planned how I wanted to decorate the nursery.

Things were going great, until this past week. Last Friday night I started cramping and bleeding a bit. I know some bleeding is common, so I did not think anything of it. However, as I posted, I was still feeling bad all weekend, and went to the doctor, who said I had a badder infection. I was still bleeding at this point, so I called my new O.B.G.Y.N.'s emergency number on Sunday. The fastest they could get me in was on Tuesday. So all I could do was wait till then.

On Tuesday, Donnie and I went to the doctor to have my blood taken, and have an ultrasound done. I was told that there was no sign of pregnancy with the ultra sound. I was saddened by this, but I still had hope. I knew because I was still so early they might not see anything.

On Wednesday I got the news that my blood work showed that I still had the pregnancy hormone running in my vanes. This gave me hope that everything might be okay! I had to go back in on Thursday so they could see if my hormone levels were going up or down. (up meaning I'm pregnant, down meaning a miscarriage) Again I had to wait.

I was anxiously awaiting to hear from the doctor today. Donnie and I ran to Petsmart (where the whole story started) when I got the call. I had miscarried. This was devastating news to hear, especially standing right next to doggie treats.

My mind soon filled with what if's

What if I would have ate better?
What if I would have not been walking so much?
What if I would have rested more?
What if I would have rested less?

Then the spiritual what if's

What if I had prayed more?
What if I had read my bible more?
What if I was a better person?

I'm telling you, the what if's are the hardest part.

Then I get mad, why did God have to take our baby away from us? I know the common answer for this is that sin is in the world, and because of sin, people die. For some reason, this is not a comforting thought. Also, I have been hearing that "God has a plan". God planned to take my baby from me? Before I have even got to meet him or her? This thought is not is not very comforting also.

I would love any and all prayers at this time for Donnie and I to remain strong during this difficult time.